The Mat

As I walked through the chapel doors, I was about knocked over by the palpable sense of strength and courage that filled the room. It only intensified as we worshiped in song together. It so overwhelmed me, I almost had to sit down, but I remained steadfast in prayer, thanking God for bringing everyone there that night and for the opportunity to be in their presence.

My fellow worshipers were not pastors, nor church leaders nor any famous Christians. No, I was surrounded by substance abusers, addicts and people who have done time, people who were abused and those who have abused, some who have torn apart marriages and some who have had their marriages torn apart, others who have been sexually abused as children and still others married to pedophiles.

There was definitely desperation, pain and grief in the room as well, but it was infinitely overpowered by the strength these people brought with them to simply cross the threshold of that church and participate in this attempt at recovery. At least that's what I felt.

Did they feel it too? Did they know just how courageous they were to bring themselves there, broken, bruised, abandoned, addicted and betrayed, yet armed with hope for a better life and the will to DO something about it. Never in my life had I felt so honored to share in worship with a group of people.

I love them. They are real people. They are messed up. And so am I. And so are all of us because we are human. But they are admitting to it and seeking freedom from their mess. They are not weak for wanting help, they are heroic. I am blessed that a handful of these same people are my friends from my church. A couple of them have grown to be like family. Indeed, I am blessed beyond words.

But me? I'm a scaredy cat. Until my faith and hope outweigh my fear and concern, I am stuck here. Like those who I've heard come and park their car in the parking lot of this church we were visiting and can't will themselves to enter it, or those who drive into the parking lot only to circle back around to the exit. No, I don't have similar life histories as these folks, no big trauma or tragic event or addiction. Still, why can't I swallow my pride and regularly admit I need help or that I messed up, or that some part of my life just plain sucks and I want it better? I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. We all need to rub shoulders more with people who motivate us to keep it real.

After experiencing this worship service and recovery ministry, and meeting with the pastor and other leaders, those of us from my church left feeling inspired and convinced that this was a necessary ministry for our church to start. Many also had a clearer sense of how they could minister to those who are experiencing what they have recovered from. I, for one, am excited about a ministry like this. I have no idea how I would be involved, all I know is that it is amazing to be around people who are willing to surrender so much of themselves at the foot of the cross. They get it. They totally get it, more than the Christian who "has it all together." *Points at self*

Teaching the History of Thanksgiving

While preparing for teaching about Thanksgiving last November, I'm pretty sure I did more research and with more enthusiasm than I ever had in any month of my life, even as a PhD student. Something about feeling solely responsible for my children's education motivated me to get my facts straight before passing it on to them. It was also my first month homeschooling too, so I was just plain freaking out.

When it comes to teaching social studies and history, I generally feel incompetent and underprepared, perhaps because as compared to other subjects, I am more critical about what and how I was taught it in school. For my own children's education, I definitely want to provide more context and also emphasize more about social justice, cultural studies, diversity, inclusivity, tolerance, and the link to our Christian faith (whether that paints Christians in a positive or negative light).

Below I review some resources that helped me and my children think more critically about the historical event that we've come to know of as a first Thanksgiving.

For ease and accessibility, I recommend anything by Plimoth Plantation. Plimoth Plantation located in Massachusetts is a museum/recreation of what the first colony of the same name would have looked like in 1627. For those of us in Central Illinois who are not close enough the take a field trip there, their online resources are fantastic. Children will especially enjoy the video game (I use that term loosely) "You are the Historian", where they will virtually explore the Plantation, investigate one of only two only primary sources of information about the first harvest feast, and hear about the Wampanoag people and their culture, particular their traditions of giving thanks. Last year, my 5 year old learned and remembered a lot from these online videos and from another one that we checked out from the library.

Bean's drawing of The Warrior Counselor of the Wampanoag, Habbamok
after watching some videos last year

Everything I've encountered so far by Plimoth Plantation attempts to teach history by encouraging asking questions, investigating primary sources and considering multiple perspectives while respecting cultural differences. These are great foundations to lay for students. It prepares them to investigate the complexities of American history, which is not always to peaceful, friendly, and neighborly as the stories of the first Thanksgiving would have us believe. In addition to the Plimoth Plantation materials, I just piece-mealed what I taught about colonists, Native Americans and Thanksgiving.

I used some basic guiding principles that I read about in this article called "Teaching Young Children about Native Americans." While I don't think it is a comprehensive list of what to do and what not to do, it really got me starting to think about how the history and culture of Native Americans are generally taught. If my child were in regular school too, I think this would help me guide (be it supplement or challenge) what my children are learning outside my home about America's native peoples.

For a more Native perpective on the holiday, "The Real Story of Thankgiving" on the the Manataka American Indian Council website is informative and heart-wrenching. The first two sections are difficult to read, mostly because they are so full of violence, (but isn't our history?). The final section "The Plymouth Thanksgiving Story" however, is geared toward children and tame enough for young and/or sensitive students to read. This should be required reading, really!

"Thanksgiving on the Net: Roast Bull and Cranberry Sauce"can be read on the website for the Society of the Descendants of the Mayflower (I didn't even know there was such a group). It attempts to set the record straight about common myths surrounding Thanksgiving by reviewing over 200 websites. It is cumbersome read at times, but well worth the read if you have the time and interest. If nothing else, I'd skim the main headings and some text. It certainly helped me identify some myths that I incorrectly assumed to be true. As with the previous reference, knowing the bias of the author is important in assessing the value of the piece, and a good lesson to pass on to the kids too!

As we approached Thanksgiving week this year, my husband commented that we haven't really "taught" anything about it yet. No, we have not done any formal lessons on the historical event and national holiday like we did last year. Instead, we have focused on truly being thankful and reflecting on what we are thankful for, as a family and as individuals. It has become part of our daily discussions and prayers. It's so simple I almost feel guilty about it, but it has set a great tone in our household that is so needed to replace the usual hecticness that generally surrounds our winter holidays.

While we may never know the exact and full historical truth about what happened in 1621 that lead to the holiday that we celebrate this week, we certainly can start writing our own stories about what this holiday means or could mean for each of our families. Lately I've been feeling challenged to rethink the deeper meanings of each holiday instead of just going with the flow of what everyone else does. This also includes delving deeper into the history of the holiday and tying that into our current traditions. It just seems that we've gotten too far from that with every holiday on the calendar. I'm completely convinced that having kids is the perfect opportunity to tweak our holiday celebrations if need be so we can better pass on the culture and traditions that are most dear to us. Which are most dear to you? How do they pass on your family history or stray from it?

Avoiding Patriot Day 2012

September 11th will always be a horribly sad day for me.  My dad worked at the World Trade Center just months before the attacks and on this day in 2001, I couldn't for the life of me remember if he still worked there. I couldn't get a hold of him. All lines were down. Where was he? All I knew was that he was in the city. Would I ever hear from him again? Hours and hours past with too many questions and emotions to bear. Later that night we connected on the phone. He told me how he made it out of Manhattan on foot through smoke and over bridges while chaos and fear surrounded him as densely as the thousands of people trying to escape for their lives along with him.

I can't even look at the lower Manhattan skyline nor the 9/11 Memorial without tearing up. Those are tame compared to images of smoking towers, people running, rescue attempts at ground zero and everything else that just gets more graphic from there. Forget about video footage of that day. It's too much.

Honestly, for 11 years I've actively avoided most news coverage about the attacks because I just can't wrap my head around idea of how such an event could happen, and the media's spin on it makes it worse. Being from New Jersey, I have friends and family too closely connected to those events. I respect  and appreciate hearing and reading their personal stories, remembering both tragedy and heroism. It's not like I don't think Patriot Day is important, I just want to remember the day quietly and through loved ones with true ties to that event.

As a homeschooling parent, I've also decided to postpone covering this topic for a while. There is enough other history and social studies out there for my kids to learn, and we already have to discuss tragedies such as war and slavery at a most basic level just to understand other things. It is difficult to learn about innovation without also discussing war, because they are all too often so interconnected. And I refuse to teach about American history without also teaching African American history, and emphasizing that the current injustices today have roots in American slavery. So Bean knows what war and slavery are in general, but I've spared him the details of rape, lynching, brutal violence and the unnecessary loss of innocent lives that tend to go along with those atrocities. 

I just can't think of a way of explaining 9/11 at a basic level to young, optimistic and sensitive children. There is nothing in their world to remotely compare it to that would help them make any sense of it. Then there is the question, of "Why?" I don't think I can begin to touch on that. It goes deeper than the greed, power struggles and selfish desires that they understand even in their own lives and I can use to help explain why war and slavery exist. Books won't help. I really don't want my kids seeing those images from that day that I still have visceral reactions to. Video documentaries would just haunt their thoughts, as both boys are highly sensitive to visual media. This topic is just too intense to just touch on without opening a can of worms that I'm sure would leave my kids questioning humanity.

So for now, a remembrance of 9/11 by our family is on the back burner. With the kids not in school and us not big TV watchers, today is a typical happy and simple day like any other for the Eaglets. With cooler weather, we anticipate the coming of fall and the special blessings that has to offer. Today we enjoyed extra snuggles under warm blankets in the morning and we made our first batch of squash soup of the season. 

Bean shaves nutmeg for our first squash soup of the season

There is a slight guilt I feel for not even mentioning that today is Patriot Day to the kids. Greater is the relief that I have control over what they are exposed to at this young age. They only have a short time to be kids and not have to worry about such things. There will come a time when it would be ignorant of them not to know what happened on this day eleven years ago. I just hope that I can be a good judge of when will be a good time to discuss it and that I have the words to help them understand this most tragic of days. 

While I Was Ignoring My Kids

Today one of the homeschooling moms I follow on Facebook posted about a pet peeve of hers: "Moms who spend all their time online chatting with friends ABOUT homeschooling/unschooling while not actually interacting with their kiddos! Makes me crazy!"

I have been plenty guilty of finding pet peeves in others when I should not be one to judge. When I was a working mom, I sometimes wondered how SAHMs found time to tweet, update their Facebook statuses or blog. Aren't they supposed to spend every second with their kids? I know I wanted to use my nights and weekends to spend as much quality time as possible with my kids. It wasn't until I majorly shifted lifestyles that I realized just how much I can't use my standards to make assumptions about other people's lives. Wasn't I supposed to be working anyway, and not worrying about other people? 

I pray that in other aspects of my life God peels away my ignorance and replaces it with compassion. I still have a long way to go. 

This homeschooling mom shaking her finger at other homeschooling moms was pretty shocking to me. Up until now, I have found the homeschooling community to be some of the most open-minded and tolerant people of each other, even the extremists. EVERYONE has been encouraging of one another and me, even when there were differences in opinion, philosophies, strategies, religions, etc. I'm indescribably grateful for all the support, including the online ones, I've received for almost a year. I also appreciate challenges for improvement, when delivered with care and understanding, not condemnation.

I'll be the first to admit that my homeschooling schedule/routine/whatever is nothing to brag about. We're still figuring things out, but we get done what I feel like we need to get done everyday. On days like today, which are most days, the academic stuff gets done well before lunch. So, the kids got to spend from 11ish until 4ish outside riding bikes, exploring nature and playing on the play structure. I spent more time than usual on the internet on the front porch and on the back patio just being available to them if they needed me. Thank you wireless internet. Yes, I was messing around on Facebook a bit, but I also researched how to care for luna moth caterpillars (we got a dozen today from a new homeschooling friend), how to eat black walnuts (we have a ton in our yard and I was wondering how edible they are), and I tried to identify a fragrant bush growing in the garden adjacent to our patio (still unsuccessful). 

During the times when I was not directly interacting with my children, the boys grew tremendously in their independence and interdependence, coming up with games and rules and role plays. They really strengthened their sibling bond, acting mostly like two peas in a pod. This was a welcome change from earlier this week when they were at driving each other nuts. Mei also learned a lot while I was not directly interacting with her and much credit is due to her big brothers. At dinner, Bean and Tey took turns listing off to their Daddy all the things their little sister learned today. It included what tic-tac-toe was, how to say "balance," how to climb up the stepped ramp of the play structure, how to climb up the slide and how to go down the slide all by herself. 

They are so proud of her!

Though I felt like I was on the computer for a long time today, I am confident that giving them their space was not detrimental for them but beneficial. We're so ready for these luna moths! Plus, we collected a huge pile black walnuts, though I'm not sure if we'll actually eat them. :) Most importantly, my children they  grew together and because of each other. I am so proud of them too.

New Nest - Humbleness in Extravagance

Sorry for being quiet for so long, but I have a good excuse.

As you know Bo and I are not ones to make hasty decisions, but we decided to move. Within a matter of a week in mid June we contacted a realtor, visited the house, made an offer and had it accepted.

Then there was 6 weeks of me packing, decluttering and staging our house to sell. Bo took care of a lot of logistics with ordering carpets cleaned and other services, taking care of all the lender stuff and details with our realtor. He also repainted our whole house and did a ton of yard work and house repairs. He was amazing.

Last Saturday we moved in with the help of friends and Bo's brothers and then celebrated with sushi and sake, then frozen yogurt or bubble tea. I can't believe how fast it went.

We are currently in our new home and today was the first day we have internet access!  Huzzah! NOW this place has everything.

Honestly, this new home is unreal. It blows my mind that this is even ours. We are so blessed. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of unworthiness to live in such a beautiful home with beautiful land.

We're on almost 2 acres with mature trees and a stream that runs along the length of the property. We share this place with several lovely wild animals, including 3 feral cats, whom we feed everyday. I call them "The Beggers."

And here's a clueless fawn that we saw yesterday. Where's its mama?

The boys went crawdad fishing in the stream last Sunday with Uncle Joel and caught these little critters.

Our new home is like a little bit of heaven on earth. All these daily glimpses into God's glory, reminds me of His magnificence. And though I feel completely at home here and we plan to live here until retirement, I also know that this is NOT my home; it's His home for His glory. There is so much potential here to serve God. It's starts with our own family and with homeschooling, but extends to opening our home to others in ways we hadn't been able to before. We also have a greater responsibility now in protecting a larger piece of God's earth and the wildlife that live here. I am keenly aware that by worldly standards our new home can seem extravagant, but it is my hope that we can be use it to humbly serve our creator.

Happy International Day of Women

Being a mother is a tremendous responsibility, but for a daughter especially. 

I knew a daughter would likely look up to me more than her dad and I wasn't ready for that even when I was pregnant with Tey. Considering that I'm now a SAHM, it's ironic that it wasn't until I had graduated with my PhD and felt stable in my job that I finally felt ready to have a daughter. I was pregnant 2 months after being hired and a couple weeks after finding that out, the sono showed that it was a girl. I cried tears of joy as well as honor that God had chosen me to be her mother.

International Day of Women 2012

Mei is my sunshine. She has changed my life forever and for the better. Nothing and no one inspires me more to be a better woman so I can be a good role model for her. The burden is heavy even as she is just one year old. Though she has no idea about the oppression of our sex, it seems inevitable that she will not only know it, but experience it herself firsthand. 

Too soon will she be told she can't do something just because she is a girl. Too soon will she feel the pressure to dumb down her intelligence just for acceptance. Too soon she will be targeted by ads selling  products promising to make her more attractive to someone else. It both saddens and angers me to no end. 

So for now, I cherish her innocence. Many nights before I put her to bed, I hold her so tightly in my arms as if I can stunt her from growing up. Sometimes, I pray for her so hard that I'm on the verge of tears. I think of this song and it gives me some measure of comfort.

This year, International Day of Women with Mei was free from heavy messages about women's rights, our struggles and overcoming barriers. Instead, today we celebrated with some of Mei's favorites: books about ducks, solving her shapes puzzle, having a friend over to play, and one of our first successful ponytail (with the help of a couple clippies). 

It won't be long before I feel compelled to share with her the larger truth about being a woman, but for now I revel in her accomplishments as a 16th month old girl with nothing to hold her back. I hope that this day can be an annual reflection on Mei's womanhood and how we can foster that fully in other girls. It is with great optimism that I look to our girls' futures and anticipate seeing their potentials become their realities, especially for my own baby girl (who I'm trying to convince myself will always be my baby girl).

Being Good

Bean isn't a "good kid" and I'm not embarrassed anymore to acknowledge it.

Really, there's no confession needed because it's pretty obvious. Anyone who's been around him for even a short period of time, especially in a position of either authority (teacher, older relative, babysitter) or equals (friends, classmates, peers) has likely dealt first-hand with some of his challenges of impulsivity, attention-seeking, stubbornness and/or listening.

On multiple occasions, in multiple settings, by multiple children telling me about Bean's wrong behavior, it has become clear to me that they identify him as "the bad kid." About year ago I began to wonder if his friends at school might have been giving him that impression too (they certainly were giving me that impression). My hunch was confirmed a couple weeks ago when he told me that when he was in school he was "a bad kid," but now he's not anymore.

Bo and I rarely use "good" or "bad" to describe anything, definitely not our children. First off, those words are pretty vague and you always need additional words to describe what you really think anyway. When we discipline, we instead try to use different qualifiers to describe the choices, words, and actions of our children, not our children themselves, and then we relate it to the associated consequences. In addition, we try to express our optimism that anyone can make their wrongs right and they can start making more right choices more often (we especially do this when they are talking about "bad guys"). Lastly, if you know Bean, you also now how important it is that we remind him that it is not his responsibility to correct the behaviors of others, but just set the best example he can be.

Thankfully we are past the point where Bean believes the lie that's he's a bad kid. He came to this conclusion on his own too. I hadn't even realized the extent to which he believed it or else I might have tried more intentionally to convince him otherwise (though I doubt it would have made a difference). Right now I'm wresting with how important it is for me to help him be a "good kid" and if that should even be a goal at all.

I'm thinking it's not.

Certainly obedience in children is convenient for adults, especially when dealing with groups of children, like in a school setting. But, as Daron Quinlan said, "Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal." Think of any influential person in history. Where they obedient? None of the historical figures we've learned about recently in our homeschool were obedient. Galileo? Nope. He was a heretic, remember? Martin Luther King, Jr.? Not him either. He lead thousands in civil DISOBEDIENCE.

As a Christian, I do, however, want my children to be obedient to God's will.

Bean heart is probably more genuinely aligned w God's will than mine is. He more desperately seeks after God by reading the Bible to learn more about God. I don't ask him to read the Bible; he does it on his own and for long stretches of time too. Earlier this week when he was going to his grandparents' house for the night I reminded him to pack books to read. He packed his Bible among a handful other books. I didn't even know until we got there and I unpacked. He has a passion for prayer and for others. He will stop whatever he is doing to pray if he hears someone is ill or injured. Just this morning in the van he wanted to lead us in prayer when I told the kids that two of our friends were in a terrible accident earlier. He has a sense of social justice and generosity that I wish I had. He has two banks at home one for him and one for Heifer. His bank is empty, but the one for Heifer has every cent he's earned since the beginning of the year. "How can I think about buying something for myself when some people don't even have food?" he said yesterday.

All of this and his peers think he is a bad kid, yet yesterday a friend told me I was "good" because I had planned to do something charitable. Planned. I hadn't even gotten the courage to actually follow though on it. I have been dragging my feet about it, being completely disobedient to God's clear calling because of fear of how it would inconvenience me.

What Bean does in private is his of his own honest heart. A lot of what he does in public is to get attention. Isn't that backwards for most adults? We do "good" publicly to make it look like we are good people even if are intentions aren't pure. I know I can be guilty of that.

So as a parent of a child who Bean has probably hurt, or a children's ministry teacher of his who he's likely ignored, please forgive him. Please be patient with us as I try to teach him proper social behaviors. But also know that I'm not going to demand automatic obedience from him. Charlotte Mason reminds us, "Obedience is valuable only insofar as it helps the child towards making himself do that which he knows he ought to do. Every effort of obedience which does not give him a sense of conquest over his own inclinations, helps enslave him." From what I can tell, Bean has a natural obedience thing budding with God privately. I'm going to use that as a foundation to help him have better real life interactions with others. It's going to take longer, but I'm hopeful that it will have more long-term positive effects than me trying to teach him to just be a "good kid."

Good Enough

As much as possible I tried not to freak out over Christmas planning and execution this year. It's supposed to be joyous, right, not draining? So, there were several things that fell through the cracks or didn't go as planned and I tried to just let it go.

I did finally ordered our personalized matching repurposed wool stockings that I had my eye on since last year. Don't they look adorable?!

Well, I never got a chance to look for an additional coordinating stocking holder since Mei-Mei has been born. Nor did Bo or I fill each other's stockings. So we left ours off this year. The kids might help us fill next year cuz they were concerned that the grown ups didn't have any. My sweeties.

We're trying to encourage a love of nature in the kids, so I was able to order these awesome tree colored pencils, and these crayon holders also from Etsy so they could draw in their field journals. I was glad that I was able to find so many homemade gifts for the kids (better for the environment!). They loved them so much these were the things the chose to bring to grandma and grandpa's later. We also got them thermal underwear to brave the cold in nature this winter. 

BUT....NO FIELD JOURNALS. Despite it being my first idea as a gift to them, and the inspiration for all the other aforementioned gifts that we got them, my homemade field journals didn't get done. I got the paper and the covers from the I.D.E.A Store. Bo punched holes in the paper, but the covers were too thick. Because other stuff came up, we didn't have enough time to solve that problem so we didn't finish them yet. Hopefully later this week we'll have the field journals ready. 

Later this week, we might also put up our nativity too. The kids have just been playing with their magnetic one in the meantime. We might also put ornaments on the tree. If anything, maybe we'll just do the ones that tell important stories of our family cuz our tree is B-A-R-E!

And my kids NEVER all looked at the camera this Christmas. I probably shouldn't hold my breath that this is something we can accomplish next year either, huh?

Doubt Creeps in

This has been a trying week. I know I have not been the best mom, wife, teacher, (insert all other roles I have). I had a new thought this week that I've never had before. Beyond a doubt, at least Bean needs to be homeschooled. But the doubt crept in about whether or not I am the best teacher for him.

Ugh. Doubt.

I'm feeling better about it now. Maybe this is usual to have confidence then lose it than gain it again. I got out of the practice of writing my positive reminders at the end of the day. I think I need to do that again. Or I might just blog them. I hope that by including that kind of stuff it does not come across as bragging. Really, I'm just trying to maintain my sanity, remind myself that homeschooling is the right choice for us, and that we are in fact making progress.

My biggest positive reminder for today is that Bean is writing AND drawing. After Bean wrote his "My Story" for his baptism, he has been more amenable to practice writing a little bit everyday. Also because he has tremendous respect for the Bible, that's where we started for regular handwriting practice. He did not at all complain or drag his feet when I first introduced the idea of having him copy verses, which he had done any other time he was asked to write something.

BTW, I'm sure you knew that in the middle ages, monks copied the Bible. But did you know that some were also warriors. We've been watching some videos about the middle ages, and that was a cool fact. Bean loves the idea of warriors, knights, fighting, etc. and some of them copied the Bible. Coolness!

Anyway, over the past two days, he has written Matthew 2:11. I can see how his handwriting has improved over the past couple weeks. More noticeable growth is in his attitude and willingness to write. Before I would describe it as "loathing." Now it is a daily practice, a non-issue.

Secondly, he drew of his own will. After reading a book on owls, he drew an elf owl and a great horned owl. The great horned owl is on an evergreen tree with prickly needles. 

When I think of where we were when we started homeschooling (absolutely no interest in writing, drawing, or anything that involved a writing implement), this is big.